


Fire Within My Soul

by RonRos47



Category: Alex and Maggie - Fandom, Sanvers - Fandom, Supergirl
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:38:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonRos47/pseuds/RonRos47
Summary: Feeling the heavy pain of letting Maggie go, Alex copes the only way she knows how: music and scotch.  One song in particular comes up on her Spotify that resonates so well with her circumstances that she allows herself to feel the music and listen to its lyrics.





	1. Chapter 1

It was a mistake she thought. It was a mistake she knew. With a drink in her hand she thought back to that day, to that night where it had all gone wrong and she tried to forget. She took one more drink and put on their last song for just a minute, “All Through the Night” by Cindi Lauper. She danced to the simplicity of it but it wasn’t simple at all. In fact it was a reminder, a reminder of everything that had gone wrong by a choice she’d made. She listened to the lyrics, “And it goes running all through the night until it ends there is no end.” The song hit her like a knife, a reminder of what could have been. The song was too much so she opted for another. 

[So I made up my mind, it must come to an end  
Look at me now, will I ever learn?  
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control  
There's a fire within my soul  
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
One more look and I forget everything]

Yes she knew how painful this song was too but at least it was more upbeat, something she could dance to. Filling her glass and take a sip and then another till it was empty. “Just one look and I can hear a bell ring. One more look and I forget everything,” she heard. She filled her glass for what was the fourth time. She’d once been told by a time traveling friend that someone like her was trying to forget her problems and she was right. She could handle her drinking, she had since high school, and though she sometimes got drunk, sometimes a mean drunk like she had with Kara in Midvale, other times her drinking was fun and she was able to let herself go now. She took one more drink, emptying her glass. She stood up and let herself go.

[Mamma mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?  
Mamma mia, does it show again  
My my, just how much I've missed you?]

She jumped to the music like one would expect to of the song. Though she wouldn’t admit it to herself or to anyone for that matter, she loved this song. She loved the Meryl Streep movie that had come out entitled the very song she was listening to, “Mamma Mia”. There were only three people who knew, which was unfortunate especially now, two if you excluded her cousin in Metropolis. Right now however, she didn’t care if Kara could hear her. At least her sister was being respectful and not interrupting. That would have really pissed her off in the moment. J’onn could read every thought but that wasn’t his fault. He never intruded. She knew for a fact since he knew what was going on because of an important moment that had happened a while back, back to when she’d introduced Maggie to her friends as her girlfriend. A good memory but like so many others, a painful one.

[Yes, I've been brokenhearted  
Blue since the day we parted  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
Mamma mia, now I really know  
My my, I could never let you go  
I've been angry and sad about things that you do  
I can't count all the times that I've told you "we're through"  
And when you go, when you slam the door  
I think you know that you won't be away too long  
You know that I'm not that strong  
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring  
One more look and I forget everything]

No she wasn’t that strong. At least she didn’t think she was. Since that night she’d felt weak and she knew that, again it was only Kara and J’onn who felt her real pain and again they did not intrude. Since the split why had she let her go? She knew the reason but was it a valid one? She was no longer sure anymore. She reached for another drink and took it but no amount of alcohol could drown out her pain.

[Mamma mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?  
Mamma mia, does it show again  
My my, just how much I've missed you?]

The lyrics repeated themselves as they hit the chorus and she again jumped to it, letting herself go as she flowed into the song.

[Yes, I've been brokenhearted  
Blue since the day we parted  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
Mamma mia, even if I say  
"Bye bye, leave me now or never"  
Mamma mia, it's a game we play  
"Bye bye" doesn't mean forever]

“Why, why did I ever let you go” the lyrics went on. “Why did I ever let you go,” she repeated to herself. She hated that part of the song at this very moment, in all moments since she had let her go. 

[Mamma mia, here I go again  
My my, how can I resist you?  
Mamma mia, does it show again  
My my, just how much I've missed you?]

She knew she should have reacted. She knew she couldn’t resist her. She’d been the very person who understand her to the core, more than J’onn, more than Kara, more than her mom. And yet she wondered just how much they knew how she still felt. Back during the invasion from Earth-X, Kara had told her that yes her ex had been great but she’d also taught her how to be true to herself. That was all true but it didn’t feel like enough. She wondered just how much it showed how much she missed her.

[Yes, I've been brokenhearted  
Blue since the day we parted  
Why, why did I ever let you go?  
Mamma mia, now I really know  
My my, I could never let you go]

It had been her fault. She knew that. She knew the pain she was feeling which she meant she knew the pain she must have been feeling as well. Why had she been so stupid she asked herself. Yes they had wanted different things but did it really have to be that way? She knew the reason they had split but was it valid? Spending time with the kid was great but it wasn’t as fulfilling. The only thing, the only person that had made sense was her. She had been the only one who made sense from the beginning. Letting her go had been the wrong thing to do. She knew that then. She knew that now. Would any of this matter? She was drunk but that didn’t change anything. That didn’t change the pain she was in. That didn’t change how broken she felt or how bad she must have looked to the outside world even with her make up. And just like she knew so many times from the second she saw her walk out that door, she knew she still loved her, more than anything in the world, more than kids, more than any of it. She had been wrong to let her go. She missed her so much that it was her true pain. As much as she wanted kids, she wanted her more. She still loved her, it was as simple as that. Clarity in all its forms. No she told herself, no she should not have let her go.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning Alex Danvers found herself with a major hang over but she knew it would pass. It always did. Like all other times she could hold her alcohol so next mornings were never that bad with a dose of asprin and a cup of coffee.

She looked down at her phone. There were several messages, most from Kara. Alex sighed and pushed the speed dial. 

“Hey,” Kara began on the other line. “Everything okay?”

“You know that it’s not.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“I know, sorry. Things are just hard right now.”

“Yeah,” Kara said, Alex feeling her sympathy from where ever it was her sister was at right now.

“You’re not hovering by my apartment by any chance are you or at the front door?”

Kara laughed, “Neither. I figured you would need your space.”

“Thanks. Hey Kara, you once told me that the only place you ever felt at home here was with me.”

“I remember, it was back home.”

“And I told you at the bar that I had a certain number I had that I was having a hard time making a choice on. There are only two places I’ve ever felt at home. One is with you and the other-,” Alex said unable to decide if she could even finish that sentence.

“Alex, what are you planning to do?” Kara said with serious concern.

“Something I should have done a long time ago.”

“Alex-,”

“I have to go.”

“Alex don’t do-,”

But it was too late. Alex hung up on Kara, finished off her coffee, pulled out the rings from a drawer which she kept in a table near the door, looked at them, put them back but then thought better of it and placed them in her pocket as a form of strength like one would do with a rabbit’s foot as a good luck charm. Shen grabbed her keys from the bowl.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She took a deep breath before heading into the precinct. Just as she had hoped she saw her from across the room, standing near her desk going over paper work.   
Maggie Sawyer looked up and did a double take. Then she looked down.

“What are you doing here, Alex,” she said coldly.

She didn’t answer, instead she took Maggie by the hand and into an empty room, closing the door and the blinds. It was the very room where they had interrogated Winn when he’d been accused of stealing a heavily priced piece of art.

Before she said anything, Alex placed a passionate kiss on Maggie’s lips, more passionate than any kiss should be under these circumstances. Tears ran down her face as she pulled back and held Maggie’s forehead on hers.

“I’m so sorry, Maggie. I’m so sorry. I’m more sorry than you can imagine. I’m so sorry.”

“Took you long enough, Danvers.”

Alex pulled back. “You knew I was going to do this?”

“I had hoped that at some point you would. That you’d realize how stupid you were and come to your senses.”

“I was, I was stupid. Very stupid.”

“I know I told you there was only one, when it came to you pulling away but there’s three in the pack. Just don’t go that far.”

“I won’t I promise.”

Maggie nodded.

“Look, I-,” both of them said at the same time and laughed about it.

“You go first,” said Maggie.

“Okay. Look, I know we both want different things but I’m willing to work around that. You’re more important to me than kids are.”

“Funny, I was just about to say the opposite.”

“You were?”

“Yeah. I would do anything for you, Danvers as long as it’s with you.”

Alex laughed a little, “Looks like we’re at an impasse again.”

“Looks like it.”

“But maybe we can just figure it out as we go, you know not make any major decisions about that part of our lives until it absolutely comes to it. I know it did before but-,”

“But that was before we truly realized we can’t live without each other and that we can’t let certain aspects stop us?”

“Yeah exactly that.”

“It’s not going to be easy.”

“I know.”

“But I’m willing to try, if you are. And by this little stunt you just pulled I think it’s safe to say you are.”

“I am. I was so stupid, Maggie and I’m so sorry. I will be for the rest of my life but we should kiss the girls we want to kiss and I just, I want to kiss you. There’s no one else.”

“Good because there’s no one else I want to kiss either.”

Alex smiled and got closer to Maggie, she smiled and moved her hair behind her ears. She loved her hair. Aside from her dimples it was one of her best features. Maggie smiled back. She loved it anytime she played with her hair, she loved her eyes as she looked at her, she loved the way she hovered over her just a little bit.  
Alex leaned down and reached Maggie’s lips. It was soft at first but then it became longer, more intense, both missing the fire that had been between them, that had been missed for so long. And yet it was a fire that had never gone out, only embers waiting to be lit again but in this case the fire became more than a fire, it became a fire like the flames from a sun, never to go out again. 

They both pulled apart for a much needed breath, their heads resting on each other.

“So, do you still have our rings?”

“You’re sure? We can still wait on that part.”

“I think we’ve waited long enough. I’m sure.”

Alex smiled. Grabbing the rings had been a good luck charm after all.

“In that case,” said Alex, “Maggie Sawyer, will you marry me, forever this time?”

“Yes, Alex Danvers, no matter how many times you ask I will marry you. Forever.”


	2. Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be the original ending but ultimately the fluff piece won out for the top spot. I love Sanvers and I love the fluff but this segment felt more realistic which is why I decided not to drop it completely.

She took a deep breath before heading into the precinct. Just as she had hoped she saw her from across the room, standing near her desk going over paper work.   
Maggie Sawyer looked up and did a double take. Then she looked down.

“What are you doing here, Alex,” she said coldly.

She didn’t answer, instead she took Maggie by the hand and into an empty room, closing the door and the blinds. It was the very room where they had interrogated Winn when he’d been accused of stealing a heavily priced piece of art.

Before she said anything, Alex placed a passionate kiss on Maggie’s lips, more passionate than any kiss should be under these circumstances. Tears ran down her face as she pulled back and held Maggie’s forehead on hers.

“I’m so sorry, Maggie. I’m so sorry. I’m more sorry than you can imagine. I’m so sorry.”

Maggie sighed and pulled back.

“What the hell, Alex.”

Alex. Of course they’d be formal and not go by their last names as they’d done before.

“What the hell,” Maggie repeated. 

“I know,” said Alex, “I know this is out of left field and I know it was stupid but I… I don’t know.”

“You what, you thought we’d get back together?”

“No nothing like that. I know it’s going to be like it was before, like the first time I kissed you. I just had to do it anyways. I wish things could go back to the way things were before. I may not have expected for you to just welcome me back into open arms and all of that sappy stuff. I guess I… I guess I just… for one second I needed to see you. To know that ‘one more look and I forget everything’.”

“Did you just quote an Abba song to me?”

“Yeah I did. Sorry, it got stuck in my head. I’m so sorry, Maggie for everything.”

“You really hurt me, you know that.”

“I know. I’ve been in pain too, believe me. I’ve tried, I really have but I-,”

“Can’t let us go,” Maggie finished.

Alex looked at her with confusion.

“How did you-,”

“Because I haven’t been able to let us go either. Look, maybe things can’t be the same again but maybe we can start over.”

“You mean that? The way we were talking, I just figured you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Yeah well, I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Maggie, I know we both want different things and-,”

“And nothing. My feelings still haven’t changed, Alex. I still don’t want kids and you do. Do you really think we can work around that?”

“Yeah I do.”

“How?”

“Let’s do it, let’s get a dog. You know, let’s get one or more like we planned.”

“Are you sure? Kids are a big deal.”

“They are but there’s one thing I’m more sure about and that’s you. I can live without kids what I can’t live without is you.”

“I can’t live without you either Alex and I’ve tried but things can’t just go back to the way they were before. So much has already changed.”

“I know and I don’t expect them to. I don’t expect much of anything at this point.”

“I wasn’t finished. So much has already changed but maybe we can start over. We can start off from scratch. First date, first kiss, all of it. Let’s leave out the whole engagement stuff because it’s too fast and that wound is still too fresh and then maybe if things go right then maybe we can visit that chapter again.”

“Okay.”

“I said maybe, Danvers.”

Alex smiled, “You just called me, Danvers.”

Maggie smiled back, “Yeah I did.”

“Let’s start over, Sawyer starting now.” Alex held out her hand, “Hi, I’m Alex Danvers.”

Maggie looked at Alex’s hand and as she looked at Alex, she shook it, “Maggie Sawyer.”

“Nice to meet you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Safe to say I've seen the movies too much that I had to use this song. The lyrics were just so perfect from Alex's POV that it made no sense not to use the song.
> 
> I've also included an alternate ending to this story which is more angst than it is fluff but both endings came to me at the exact same time. It was hard to decide if I wanted to keep one ending or another so I decided to include them both.


End file.
